It's not about forcing happiness

Day 144: May 26th, 2012

• woke up early because Em had to be at work by 10
• sat there and talked
• talked to her sister for a little bit when she got home
• came home
• went back to sleep until about 2pm
• watched tv
• ate
• talked to Heather for a little bit
• showered
• worked 6-11
• came home
• chilled on the computer
• started to watch Bring It On
• fell asleep on the couch
• Chance called me to let him in because he was getting back from his friend’s house
• went back to my bed because he started snoring really loudly
• Cam called me
• we talked for a little bit
• went to bed

Day 143: May 25th, 2012

• slept in until like 12pm
• watched tv
• ate
• went out with my dad to handle some business
• came back to a bunch of shit on my porch
• Cameron and Emily left an American flag with “I love you” balloons tied around it, ranch dressing, religious stickers, a certificate of appreciation for being “the best friend ever” and a card
• it honestly made me mad that they just left it when I wasn’t home, didn’t call or text to see if I got it and I honestly would have rather they just called and talked to me instead of going out and buying shit
• showered and got ready for work
• went to work
• worked 5:30-11
• talked to Rosey, and without even giving her specific details about exactly what Cameron told Heather, she said she would’ve been super pissed too
• I decided to text them and I just said “thanks”
• Cameron replied with an “(: I love you!!!” and Emily said “Do you still hate us?”
• I called and talked to Em because I really wasn’t even mad at her, except for the whole making jokes about it thing
• but we talked everything out
• I tried to call Cameron’s phone and his work (because he’s at work) and he didn’t answer his cell phone and the girl at his work told me that he left a while ago but that’s a fucking lie because he closes ever Friday night
• and I even checked with Em to make sure he was closing tonight
• watched tv
• he finally called me back at like 2:30am
• apparently he did get off early and he was over at his dad’s house swimming
• he came over and we talked
• we talked everything out
• he said it’s all he’s been thinking about since I left the room on Thursday
• and he actually did want to just call me and he let Emily talk him out of it
• I told him next time to go with his gut because he knows me better
• he now realizes how upsetting it is to me and how I felt because my best friend was breaking my trust
• and I decided that I’m gonna try and be more open with everyone in our group (Heather, Candice and Em) and not just Cam
• we finally got done talking and headed over to Em’s sister’s house at like 3:30am
• she was house sitting haha
• smoked and just hung out
• Cam was cracking me the fuck up
• seriously though, touching people when you’re high feels so good
• and Cam loves to be all cuddly when he’s high so it works out :) haha
• I think we finally went to bed somewhere between 5:30-6am 

Day 142: May 24th, 2012

• slept in a little bit
• got ready to go out to breakfast with Chance and Brittany (his girlfriend)
• Chance picked me up, then we picked Brittany up
• smoked
• ate at Blueberry Hill Pancake House
• it was delicious!!!
• came back home and hung out for like an hour
• went to school
• I thought it was gonna be a great day considering it was the last day of school,  but I was wrong
• I found out that Cameron told Heather about some very personal family stuff (about my sister)
• and no one thought it was a big deal, like at all
• the fact wasn’t that I thought they would judge her, it was the fact about how it makes me and my family feel and I don’t like everybody knowing about my family stuff
• I just left the room
• I couldn’t even sit there and look at him anymore
• went up to star
• called and talked to Crystal about it
• chilled in star
• went and took my 8th period final
• went down to Timko’s room so I could be with Crystal
• we left a little early to go talk and get slushies
• like seriously, how does your best friend think it’s okay to do that when he promised he wouldn’t tell anyone (and I did mention Heather, Candice and Em specifically)
• like he knows exactly how upset the whole current “family situation” makes me and he would just go and tell someone then say it’s not a big deal
• came home
• we were all supposed to hang out (plans that I set up)
• and Cameron called me and seriously asked if I was still gonna go hang out with all of them
• WHAT THE FUCK
• took a nap
• laid around and watched a bunch of tv
• I told my mom what happened and she couldn’t believe that they all still went out without me
• Crystal came and picked me up when she got off work at 10
• we just sat in her car and talked and talked and talked
• I honestly feel that she’s the only friend that I can trust with anything and everything anymore
• Heather and Candice called me after they all got done hanging out
• I seriously just had to know if he’d told her anything else
• apparently they kept asking Cameron why he didn’t just say sorry to me and all he said was “I don’t see why it’s such a big deal”
• finally came in at like 1am
• watched some tv
• went to bed 

Day 139: May 21st, 2012

• school
• it was a sucky day
• we had 4th period finals today
• so I took my final and sat there listening to fucking retards for another 2 hours
• turned in my deposit money for the senior trip to Washington D.C.!!!!!
• came home
• changed and went to work
• worked 4-9:30
• Heather and Cam came up to see me and Crystal :)
• Crystal brought me home
• we had one of our nice chats in the car and I got some frustrations off my chest
• called Cam and talked to him for over 2 hours
• it was also a lovely chat
• he reassured me that we are, in fact, best friends and he does actually like listening to my stories
• he’s so sweet to me sometimes :)
• went to bed

Day 138: May 20th, 2012

• slept in until like noon!
• watched tv
• tried to make plans with Chance for tonight but they didn’t work out :(
• showered
• got ready
• went out to the AT&T store to try and talk to someone about getting my upgrade/whether I should get an iPhone or Samsung Galaxy SII
• but there was literally one worker there and 3 people waiting
• just went to work early
• went over to the gas station with Laura real quick and she bought me a slushy! :)
• worked 4-9
• it was crazy
• came home
• ate a bunch of nuggets
• chilled on the computer
• signed up for online summer classes (PreCal first semester & AP Lang & Comp second semester)
• talked to Cam
• we actually signed up for our online summer classes over the phone together!! How cute are we?
• watched tv while he took a shower
• talked to him for a while longer
• went to bed

Day 136: May 18th, 2012

• school
• I was in a really good mood in the morning (surprisingly!) but that eventually got ruined
• then I was just mad and upset for the rest of the day
• came home
• worked 5-nearly 12
• it was crazy busy all night
• but I got to work with Rosey, Oscar and Jesse so it was fun
• went to Walmart after I finally got off because my mom had to get a few things
• I talked to her about how I think I have anxiety (is that how you would even phrase that?), like not just test anxiety
• so she said we could find a doctor for me to go to this summer so I can see if it’s something I should be medicated for or not
• came home
• chilled on the computer
• started to watch Horrible Bosses but I was really tired
• went to bed

Day 135: May 17th, 2012

• school
• it was a great day!!
• and to think I wasn’t even gonna go to school today!
• I really didn’t do anything besides take a Precal test today
• came home
• got ready and went to work
• worked 5-7ish LOL
• Rosey and I were talking non-stop from the time I got there until the time I left
• sat and ate with her while she was on break
• we really do have a lot in common :)
• passed Em on the way home
• we both called each other at the same time haha
• got home and changed
• Em picked me up
• went to Wendy’s
• called Cam to see if he wanted to hang
• found our way out to his dad’s house all by ourselves!!!
• hung out
• they decided they wanted to go swimming but I passed this time
• it was a great night :)
• I’m so looking forward to summer!!!
• we all 3 promised each other that we would skinny dip at least once this summer together
• left because it was getting kind of late :/
• got home
• talked to Cam
• set a few things straight with him….honesty wise
• 3-wayed in Em
• we talked for a while
• uh I guess I forgot to tell Cam about us moving this summer and now I feel really bad because he’s my best friend after all :/
• no matter how much those guys get on my nerves, I still really love them
• now I’m going to bed

Day 134: May 16th, 2012

• school
• had to wake up early because we had our AP Language and Composition AP exam
• I wrote a 6 page letter to whoever is going to be grading my essays instead of writing 2 of the 3 essays we had to write
• went out to El Rodeo for lunch
• today was shit
• the best thing about my day was writing that 6 page letter and the 2 new pens I got from the exam
• oh and I laid on the floor and rapped The Motto in Spanish class
• Heather and Candice just ignored me during our NHS meeting
• Cam was trying to talk to me to find out what was wrong
• he was like “are you okay? do you wanna talk about it? you can go on a little rant before we leave if you want”
• bless him!
• but I didn’t even get to at least say thank you to him because he left the room before I did and he didn’t hear me yelling his name down the hallway
• Crystal picked me up from school
• ranted to her about my day
• I’m just fucking tired of getting bitched at for talking (hint, hint: why Heather and Em are getting on my nerves even more lately)
• then we had to fucking go pick up Em because she had to go home and “get some money” after school instead of just letting me cover her until we dropped her off
• went to Orange Leaf
• I now love that place!!
• I love talking to Crystal
• got home
• changed
• watched Skins
• ate
• watched Skins
• did some homework
• watched Skins
• tried to call Cam
• went to bed

Day 131: May 13th, 2012

• slept in
• watched Skins for like 3 hours
• ate
• showered
• went to work
• worked 4-10
• it was really fun because I got to work with Jessica, Crystal and Jesse :)
• actually got off at about 10:30
• came home
• changed
• talked to Cam and Em for about an hour
• then talked to Cam for like another 30 minutes
• decided to just do my Spanish tomorrow in class because I really don’t wanna do it tonight (well it’s morning but whatever)
• now I’m gonna go watch an episode of Skins and go to bed because Cam bailed on my early tonight :/
• he never goes to bed before I do!!

Day 130: May 12th, 2012

• Crystal and I slept on the same couch
• we both ended up waking up at like 11am
• then we just laid there and talked for a while
• Cam kept moving around so we decided to build a fort around him to see how many pillows he would knock over
• then Brian (Cam’s dad) came downstairs to see if anyone was awake for breakfast
• he talked to Crystal and I for a little bit
• then me and her went upstairs to eat
• I finally got to meet his 2 step brothers
• had some pancakes and talked to his dad and Pam (his step mom)
• we went back downstairs because we thought of another way to wake him up but when we turned the corner to go downstairs he was already standing there glaring at us haha!
• ate
• hung out upstairs for a little bit with Brian and Pam
• went back downstairs and started some movie
• but we all ended up falling back asleep again
• woke up when they got back from the store and Brian came down to talk to Cam
• left Brian, and Pam this time, notes because that’s our tradition :)
• got lost trying to get back to the highway
• but we found a Speedway and got slushies!!
• dropped Em off
• then Crystal dropped me off
• showered
• got ready and went to work
• worked 5-10
• Chance and Brittany picked me up after work
• have I mentioned that Chance finally got his car?!
• I miss just hanging out and talking to my brother
• came home
• changed
• watched some Skins
• now I’m going to bed